***DISCLAIMER****I CAN NOT TAKE CREDIT FOR WRITING THIS BRILLIANT PIECE OF WORK ALTHOUGH I WILL SAY SHE BEAT ME TO THE PUNCH. JUST LAST NIGHT I WAS RANTING OVER THE HIDIOUS COSTUMES THE ICE DANCERS CAME WITH. READ AND ENJOY! A GIRL AFTER MY OWN HEART!Mr. Blackwell, you're wanted at the Palavela
By NANCY ARMOUR, AP Sports Columnist
TURIN, Italy (AP)-- There's something very bad going on in figure skating.
Not the new judging system -- no one understands that enough to know if it's good or bad. Not the abundance of techno-pop music. Not even the exit of
Michelle Kwan.
No, it's much, much worse. It's Halloween on Ice.
Have you seen some of the frightful costumes? Oh, the horror! Enough Day-Glo to light up a small village. Tattered numbers that look like ragbag rejects. More fringe, sequins and sparkles than even a circus act would find acceptable. And colors so wild they're not even in Crayola's 64-pack.
"What I find pretty much unwatchable is all the (stuff) that's on the costumes," said Jef Billings, a longtime designer who has dressed Peggy Fleming, Michelle Kwan and Sarah Hughes, as well as Canadian Jeff Buttle, the men's bronze medalist.
"You need to wear the costume, the costume shouldn't wear you," said Billings, also director and costume designer for the Smucker's Stars on Ice show.
"If the costume is overwhelming, either visually or physically, that's what you're looking at. I think that's the problem with some of the extreme costumes that are out there."
Extreme is the politest way to describe some of the duds on the ice. For every elegant costume Kwan,
Sasha Cohen or Buttle wears, there are about eight so tacky even Britney Spears wouldn't touch them.
In the pairs free skate,
Tatiana Volosozhar wore an aqua-blue dress with filmy, lighter-colored wisps coming off it while her partner,
Stanislav Morozov, was dressed in brown. Maybe they were trying to portray their "Conquest of Paradise" program with him as the ship and her the sea.
Sweden's
Kristoffer Berntsson's free skate costume made him look like a purple mummy -- if mummies do velvet. That, or he was channeling the Fruit of the Loom grape.
Kevin Van Der Perren of
Belgium wore a red, black and silver number with more sparkles than a Vegas showgirl. And what about Vivaldi's "Four Seasons" made silver medalist
Stephane Lambiel think zebra print?
Then there's three-time American champ
Johnny Weir. For the short program to Camille Saint-Saens' "The Swan," he was dressed, appropriately, as the bird itself. The bottom of his costume was black with cutouts that look like feathers. The silver-and-white top appeared to be covered in feathers, and a red glove on his right hand -- he's dubbed it Camille -- made his arm look like a swan when he raised it.
It was, uh, interesting. And it could have been worse. The designer's idea was to have molting blue feathers running down the left arm, on top of the fishnet.
"I thought that was a little much," Weir said.
You think?
"I do find some of the costumes sometimes are over the top," said Dick Button, the gold medalist in 1948 and '52 who is doing commentary for NBC in Turin. "You almost feel you've been trapped in a windmill in the Metropolitan Opera House costume department."
Even the flower girls and boys, who usually look cute no matter what they're wearing, are a fashion "don't." Their yellow, red and white outfits make the girls look like little Ronald McDonalds and the boys look like they're wearing pajamas.
It's going to get worse before it gets better. That's because ice dance has started.
Armenian ice dancer
Anastasia Grebenkina was barely legal in a sheer white number that, it's safe to say, her mother didn't see before she left the house.
Bulgaria's
Maxim Staviski was in a green-and-purple number that wouldn't even have made the cut for "Men in Tights." And there are no words to adequately describe how hideous Barbara Fusar-Poli and
Maurizio Margaglio's black, gold and neon orange costumes were.
So what gives? If figure skating is supposed to be a sport of grace and beauty, what's with all the ugly outfits? And in
Italy, home of designer houses like Versace, Armani and Gucci, no less.
"We all have a different idea about what our programs are or the moods we're trying to set," said Jamie Sale, a pairs gold medalist in 2002 who is doing TV work in Turin. "It's your own interpretations of what you're trying to portray."
Figure skating, as we all know from the sport/not a sport debate, is a blend of athleticism and art. You have to have the tough jumps, spins, speed. If you don't look good doing it, though, you can kiss those medal hopes goodbye.
The problem is, there are few requirements for figure skating costumes. You can't skate naked -- though some of the dancers seem to be trying. Certain body parts must be covered and men have to wear trousers. There are even penalties for fashion violations, though whoever's in charge of that appears to be sleeping on the job.
Unlike most other sports, there's no uniform, and no high-tech clothing that makes you spin tighter, jump higher or do footwork faster. It's the whims of fashion that drive costumes, not advances in technology. Men's tuxedos gave way to jumpsuits, then to separate pants and shirts. Wool went the way of the Edsel, replaced by spandex that allows skaters to move.
And as happens in life everyday, whatever the cool kids deem chic quickly becomes all the rage. Those stretch-fabric jumpsuits weren't popular until Olympic gold medalist Scott Hamilton started wearing them.
The Russian ice dancers came up with the idea to put their costumes through the shredder, and now there are wisps and tatters in men, women's and pairs events.
"I asked skaters, `Why does the costume always have all this stuff?' " Billings said. "They said, `Because it makes it look like we're skating faster. My comment was, `Why don't you just skate faster? Is it really about an optical illusion? Or is it really about ability?"'
Billings' solution: Turn loose those snarky commentators from the Oscars, Golden Globes and Grammys on figure skating, and watch the ugly outfits disappear.
"They think they're in their own little insulated world," Billings said. "The minute it starts to affect the results, it will change. ... But, as I always have said, the ugliest costume in the world can end up at the top of the podium, and the prettiest costume can go home last."
