Spud Power


While traveling home from a music outing recently, my companion and I realized we were hungry. If you've ever gone out to some type of live venue on a weekend night, and traveled home in the wee hours of the morning, this is not an unusual occurrence.

We decide to pull up to one of the late-nite eateries for a quick drive-thru experience. We placed our orders, moved forward, paid, moved forward to the pick up window to receive our tasty treats. We end up waiting about 5 minutes because our fries are in the fryer. YUM - nothing like hot fries when you're hungry at 1 a.m.

At this point in the story, I must further explain that this past week was our first foray into experiencing real winter weather; snow on the ground, temps hovering just above single digits, school closings, road reports and tie-ups. Saturday night was in keeping with the weeks forecast, so the need of coats, scarves, hats and gloves were a necessity instead of a fashion statement.

So what's the big blog about, you ask? Here's the marshmallow in the mug of cocoa.......Whitey Ford does not have heat. If you've known me for any length of time, you have to know that I LOVE Whitey. He has been a good, solid ride over these past ten years. We have traveled the highway and byways singing and sharing at the top of our lungs. Hundreds of hours spent in sweet camaraderie. Only recently, during a tremendously emotional time has Whitey been down and out.

Being the sporty sedan he is, his leather seats have always provided a delightful cushion for my tushion. Sadly now, they are extremely sensitive to the current temp which translates to "if it's 90 degrees outside, it's 109 inside; or if it's 20 degrees outside, it's 10 degrees inside". Saturday night it was 10 degrees inside.

After receiving our bag of freshly fried fare, we pull away and start the short drive home. Quickly I notice the windows are starting to fog and my gloved hands that clutch the top of the bag are beginning to actually feel warm. How sad is it that your ride is so cold that a bag of French fries provides enough heat to steam the windows of the entire vehicle?

This got me to pondering over all things spud related. They truly are amazing if you stop and think about it. They are grown underground and considered a root vegetable. Versatile in their make-up you can mash, smash, boil, bake, grill, shred, puree, saute and of course, fry them. There are many varieties to choose from and each variety has a specialty. For instance, if you want to make good potato salad, you use red potatoes because they hold their firmness better and are sweeter to the taste. If you want mashed potatoes you use the Yukon Gold variety because they cream easier and have a meatier consistency. I could go on but I'll leave that blog for Paula and her two boys.

I began to ponder on other creative ways that spuds can enhance your life. Listed below are my top ten:

1. Decongestant - next time you have a cold, take two shoestring fries, freshly fried and salted and hold close to your nostrils. Breath deeply. If the heat doesn't help to open your nasal cavities, perhaps the salt you've snorted will sting the sensitive lining of your nose that produces tears that can help loosen phylum.

2. Defensive Safety Device - choose a mid-size Idaho baker and insert a jumbo sized paper clip, uncoiled in the top of the potato. Carry this in the bottom of your purse or gym bag. If you ever feel your safety is in jeopardy, scream "I've got a grenade and I'm not afraid to use it." Watch those criminals scam quickly!

3. Laser Hair Removal - take two freshly fried steak fries and place over any unwanted facial hair. Once you recover from those 2nd degree burns, that unsightly and unwanted hair will be gone!

4. Facial Mask - cream Yukon Gold's until smooth and all lumps are gone. Make sure you use plenty of milk and butter. Apply generously over your face. Wait 30 minutes and rinse. Your pores may not be unclogged but you'll have a sudden craving for gravy.

5. Breast Enhancers - for you gals looking for a little "extra lift" choose two plump red potatoes and insert into your favorite push-up bra. Viola!

6. Foot Massager - choose two long and large bakers. Cut length-wise down each one leaving a flat surface. Take an ice pick and poke two holes side by side on both the tops and bottoms. Thread shoe laces through the holes. Place the spuds under each foot and tie securely with shoe laces. Not only will this provide cushion for those bunions and corns but will also save you time and money shoe shopping.

7. Organic jewelry - Using different varieties of spuds, cut into any shape and string with fishing line to make necklaces and bracelets. Earth friendly AND stylish!

8. Remember Pet Rocks? Why not a Pet Spud?? Choose your favorite and watch it sprout and shrivel!

9. Coffee stir - why not? We use cinnamon sticks, straws, spoons, peppermint, licorice - why not take a long crinkle fry and give it a whirl? Great for the caffeine and starch addicts!

10. Ear Wax Removal System - fry shoestring fries for 2 minutes, drain on a paper towel. Once all moisture has been removed, take the still warm fry and insert gently into the ear canal. Rotate until you hear a sizzling sound. This will be the wax in your ear frying away from your inner ear.

There you have it! Spuds, they ain't just for eatin' anymore!

Disclaimer: Children should not attempt these at home without a parent present.