A Pig in the Blanket And Other Family Skeletons


To every family must fall a few oddballs. I must say, my family genetic tree batted a thousand and came up with several homeruns. And as it so happens when having oddballs in your family, you will have some very interesting and upsetting stories to share if you have the courage to admit you have people that odd in your blood line. I've always loved a challenge so this does not bother me. Besides it skips a generation anyway.

I live a good 600 miles away from my oddball family members and frankly, I like to keep it that way. Fortunately, I'm not close enough to have to worry about a visit but I do still hear all the fascinating events that unfold in my absence.

My Mother is a good, proper, God-fearing, southern woman. You'll never meet a more gracious and assessorized woman anywhere. She always has a smile on her face, is decked to the nines in the latest fashions and looks like she's stepped out of Southern Living - home-baked dessert and coffee in hand. It's always been a bone of contention with her that most of the oddballs in our midst has come from HER side of the family.

She was born the eldest in 1929 followed by oddball number one, Jo Evelyn, a few years later. Jo, as she is called, was then followed by Gerald, who sadly, is the oddest of the oddballs being a "PS" (sketzo) ending with Linda who should have been a comedienne.

My Uncle Gerald was mentally sound, as far as we know, until his early 30's. From there it was downhill. Visions of Jesus in a corn field and 30 minute blessings at Thanksgiving ensued. But before all that, he managed to snag one of our hometown debutante's. Her name was Phyllis and she was a beautiful black-haired, blue-eyed girl. Uncle Gerald was not bad on the eyes himself and was/is extremely intelligent. You know they always say there is such a fine line between genius and insanity. Uncle Gerald fits that description to a T.

Anyway, my mother's family were well-educated and well-read but they WERE country people. Phyllis' family had money and were members of the country club. My mother and her aunts were determined that OUR side of the family was going to LOOK like they could belong to the country club if nothing else.

This is where my story begins:

Mother had given Jo and Linda strict instructions on what kind of dresses they had to have for the wedding. Mother was busy with a newborn (my middle sister) and sent the two of them to the most exclusive dress shop our town had to offer at the time. Berlon's was where the "IN" crowd shopped. My Great Aunt Addie, also being a woman of fashion, funded this trip and backed my mother up on what was appropriate and what was not.

Jo was probably around 23 and let's just say she was/is a plus sized girl. Linda was a teenager and petite. They quickly found Linda's frock and giggled and basically caused an uproar in the ladies department with all of their noise. Soon it was time to begin the search for Jo's dress.

Remember Mrs. Kostanza on Seinfield? George's Mom? This is a good visual of Jo without the Brooklyn accent. She's a bit cross-eyed to so when she's looking at you its hard to tell which eye you need to look into. Anyway, Jo is about 5'5 in her stocking feet, and as I've mentioned plus-sized and very well endowed in the bust area.

The sales clerk trying to help, asked if they needed any "foundations". Neither one of them knew what a foundation was other than the slab of concrete you poured when building a house. They fell into fits of laughter while the clerk snubbed her nose as if someone had passed gas.

She explained that foundations were slip, bras, hose, girdles. In particular, she suggested Jo may need one for a smoother look under her clothes. Remembering mother's stern words, they quickly agreed that yes, she needed some foundations.

The clerk reappeared holding a large rubber square about the size of a paper towel. "Here, put this on before you try on your dress." They both looked at Jo's considerable rolls and back at the rubber square and thought the same thing. "How in the hell are we going to get THAT on THIS?" I must add a disclaimer here and remind you that in the 50's and 60's girdles were not made from material that was soft and pretty. They were just like an endless band of rubber.

Again, with mother's words in their ears, Jo began the process of putting on the girdle. Quickly she was out of breath realizing that putting on foundations was hard work. Linda graciously joined in. They tugged and tugged, pulled and pulled, grunted and grunted. They were making so much noise that the clerk called in, "do you girls need some help?". Not wanting to embarass themselves, they both called back, "no thanks, we've got it." Still they tugged and pulled. The rubber was so hard and stretchy at the same time. Again, the clerk called in....maybe some baby powder would help. Couldn't hurt, right?

Linda took the powder from the clerk and sprinkled a little in the front and back. This helped some so they continued to tug and pull. Finally it was in place!! They were both exhausted and sweating. They slipped the dress over Jo's head and it DID make her girth appear much smoother. As they were standing there admiring it in the mirror, Jo decided she'd try on the shoes she'd bought. Bending down she was putting the first shoe on when there was a weird, tiny whistling sound.....much like when a balloon releases air. She stands back up but realizes something is pinching her and the whistling sound is getting louder and louder. It's the girdle! It's ripping into right on her body! She quickly yells to Linda, "get outta here Linda Joy, this things bout to blow!" CAPOWEE! It ripped completely down the back just like a rubber band popping against paper.

By this time, they were both overcome with a fit of laughter and could barely stand up. The sales clerk came running to find out what was going on. "Girls, girls, are you alright?" Jo was still laughing so hard she got the farts which made them laugh harder. Linda, ever the comic yelled out, "It's okay, we just had a blow out!"

This story is hysterical when told by Linda at family gatherings. Somehow, the two of them made it through the society wedding and did not embarass my mother and aunts but it was years before any of them shopped at Berlon's.

The moral of a story? Always make sure the blanket is big enough for the pig.

Tales Left Untold On Purpose

*Note to self - ban anyone you know circa 1992 from viewing blog*

1. An old quilt, a toothbrush and Fleetwood Mac

2. A ladybug for Christmas

3. Boys named Danny

4. Teenage Bootleg Across County Lines

5. "It tastes just like kool-aid"

6. Tickle Me Pink

7. Never leave treadmarks at Sonic

8. Indoor graffitti

9. "He did WHAT with the keys?"

10. "We're not sinning, we're just living together"

11. The Cookie Man really doesn't make cookies

12. A Sleep-over at the Church of Christ

13. "Quick! Jump out the window!"

14. Red is a dangerous color

15. Colgate Shaving Cream - the magic foam

16. What To Do If Your Date Is a Married Rapist

17. "Are these panties your's or mine?"

18. Casing the Crack House At Lunch

19. Elvis and Panama City

20. A Crystal Bear at the Ramada Inn

The Downfall Of Justice

Since I have previously posted more ramblings than renderings or rants, I thought I'd give you something else besides the pursuit of accessories to ponder over. Remember the sitcom "Night Court" with Harry Anderson residing as the goofy but loveable judge? There was also the tough cookie, Roz, the sexy Markie Post as attorney along with big Bull the baliff. If anyone dare to get out-of-line, all they had to do was motion to Bull and he would simply stand behind the offender. His size and expression alone was enough to stop any wise-acker from continuing - uh...until he opened his mouth. After that, all bets were off as they'd quickly see what a big owf he was.

What prompted me to remember this tantillating bit of 80's sitcom glory? This morning while dressing for work, I had the TV set on Channel 5 as I love Leland Statom's weather forecast the best. This morning one of the "on-the-scene" reporters was hanging out at Metro's Night Court to witness the LAST arrest processed. Apparently, someone somewhere has pulled the plug on the ever popular news segment. Going forward, we will no longer be allowed to view the rich, famous and otherwise, being processed through night court on the morning news.

I protest loudly! How can they deprive us of this basic right to know all the dirt on people? After all, some famous faces have graced the halls of night justice and some even more than once. On any given weekend during the off season you have been able to see any member of the Titans Football team. Around time for the CMA's you will see some of your favorite crooners, such as Wynonna Judd, Mindy McCready, Tracy Lawrence and Charlene Carter. Not even the chrisitans are exempt....hello Michael English. Being a godly witness can be difficult after all. During concert season you can see Kid Rock.

But you know, I wonder about these folks. They have enough money to call a driver to take them anywhere they want or better yet, just stay home and get hooted. If you KNOW you're going to be out drinking, why not call a driver - you know they have one available. If the Titans could put as much gusto into their boozing, partying and wife beating, we might garner another shot at the Super Bowl. Please gentleman, focus a little more on Jeff and a little less on Jack....that would be Daniels. Pretty girl Mindy....she loves him...yes she does....he beats the crap out of her but she loves him AND those prescription pain killers she needs to stay with him. And I can not spin this without mentioning everyone's favorite fun boy, Bob Ritchie - aka Kid Rock. Somehow you get the idea he's having more fun going through night court than the rest. Laughing and joking to the camera....forever the rebel.....somehow you laugh too....after all.....he's.....well KID.

It's not just about the famous faces we all love to get the dirt on - and don't EVEN deny you don't.....but the perps that get picked up for some horrible crime you've heard about for weeks straight. Somehow it helps seeing them and knowing they are finally behind bars. Face it, we're a voyeuristic nation and we like it that way. WHO had the idea of Night Court coverage anyway? Obviously there was a demand. Right?

So....I guess we're left with our police scanners to keep abreast of the latest to succumb to the halls of Metro justice. I wonder if dispatch would consider a web cam?

Hot Lips, Hawkeye and the Hunt for Red October

Ever wonder why Hawkeye and Pierce called Major Houlahan Hot Lips? I always thought it was because she looked like she had a good injection of collagen, long before that was even a regular practice. My spouse thinks it was because they wanted to embarass and offend her at every turn (which was true) and that using a name that was provocative would rub her the wrong way. Any woman knows she secretly loved it. It made her feel sexy, desirable and given their setting and wardrobe, what woman wouldn't need a reminder?

Sadly in 2006, tragedy is everywhere. In the malls, at work, the check-out at Kroger's, the driver behind you in the SUV - women with perfectly couffed hair, nails, outfit and make-up. So what, you ask? Well the "what" is that they look great but for one basic fundamental principal - they aren't wearing any lipstick!

Over the years, I have taken many a jab over the fact I am a lipstick aficionado. I usually laugh it off and keep applying anyway. Anyone that has spent any amount of time with me knows that after dining, the first thing I do is reach for my handbag and extract my special little lipstick carrier with the mirror and re-apply. 98% of the time I'm not even aware that I'm doing it as it's so ingrained into my mind. Much like brushing your teeth or hair. If you have been wondering why this is, keep reading. If you haven't, maybe you should keep reading anyway.

Back in the day (we won't mention HOW far back), all young women, especially SOUTHERN women took Home Economics in high school. I don't even think they offer Home Ec. anymore which in itself is tragic but I digress. You took Home Ec. to learn how to cook, sew, take care of the house and become as feminine as possible; all the while learning how to play up the looks the Good Lord had bestowed upon you. I remember the lessons on a proper manicure, facials, make-up application and hair styling. No joke!

I had an unfair advantage than most girls in my class. I had two older sisters that had been playing "beauty shop" and "wedding day" with me since before I could form a complete sentence. I remember being terribly peturbed that Mrs. Rayburn refused to allow me to be the one to demonstrate proper nail polishing. She said I needed to let someone else that wasn't as skilled have a chance. Whatever! Once the nail polish got all over the table, I couldn't help but feel slightly vindicated.

Also, my Mother had a lot to do with my obsession with lipstick. She felt (and still feels) that other people have to look at your face all day, not you. Therefore, it is your privilege, duty even, to make sure that the face they are seeing is as pleasant and attractive as possible. These words are planted in my brain for eternity, "A little lip color opens up your whole face." These are words I live by.

Next time you are going about your daily routine, take a look around. Check to see if that nice woman standing in front of you is wearing or not. If she is not, compare her to another woman who IS wearing. See the difference? I thought you would. Nothing is worse than seeing a pretty girl/woman decked to the nines with no color on her face. It gets even more horrific if you see an ugly woman with no color on her face.

Okay, so you fully understand the importance of wearing color.....but WHAT color? Are there differences in brands? Certainly! Knowing what color is appropriate for your skin tone is almost as important as wearing.

For instance:

If you have fair skin and lighter colored hair - you are probably a Spring or a Summer (which is a whole other posting). You want to wear shades that are warm. Again, this can be explained in another posting.

If you have olive or darker skin tones with darker colored hair - you are probably an Autumn or Winter. I'm a winter. You want to wear shades that are cool.

Once you have the right color chosen, then you must choose the best kind of coverage. I've tried all the expensive brands but I always seem to come back to my brand of choice, L'oreal. Oh yes, I am worth it. Worth it to the point that I have most of the cool colors they make. I will say that I have had a very difficult time finding the right shade of red. I need a blue/red as opposed to an orange/red. There is a huge difference and if you have on a blue/red item of clothing with an orange/red shade of lipstick.....well it's going to look like crap. Trust me.

I've spent far too much money on the more expensive brands: Clinique, Merle Norman, Bare Essentials, Origins, Lancome.....on and on.....one interesting fact I've discovered? The more expensive, the smellier they come. This is extremely important if you have a man in your life. You want your lips to be luscious and inviting. It doesn't matter if you have the right color or not, if your lips taste like boiled eggs - well there's not much kissing going on.

Anyway, I'm sure I'm sharing far more than you'll ever care to know about lipstick but just remember this on a grey winter's day - wouldn't you rather see a sweet smiling face that just seems to beat the clouds away or a face that matches the atmosphere around you? Try it....you might discover you're a winter too!

The Price of Gas & Lulu Guinness

I do not profess to know a lot of things about policitcs, economics or the state of affairs in the Middle East. I read yahoo news faithfully everyday and try to at least keep abreast of events happening in the world, depressing as it may be.

The yo-yoing of gas prices since Katrina and beyond has been a bone of contention with anyone who has to have it, which is all of us. Why does the price rise and fall at seemingly epic portions overnight? I have my theories but frankly, it all goes back to what I think about most things dealing with politics, economics and the state of affairs in the Middle East - not a doggone thing I can do about them so therefore, I see it as pointless for me to waste my time pondering too deeply about it.

Instead, I prefer to think on things I DO know more about. The quest for the perfect assessories, in particular, handbags - now there's something I know. A few years ago I found myself collecting handbags at a quick pace that makes even my cat look at me, as if to say, ANOTHER purse? Since moving to the 'burbs and becoming a soccer step-Mom, I have curtailed the purchasing a bit but I will admit over the holidays I salivated heavily across many stores in the South Nashville area.

The handbag of this winter season speaks of fun, glitter, glam and allowing your basic trailer-trash alter-ego to come alive. I have been scouting the racks of my local handbag outlet looking for just the right bag that expresses this side of me. So far, it has eluded my shopping cart but I have all the faith, the right bag will present itself. My sister, curbed my craving a tad by giving me a beautiful, beaded Coldwater Creek satchel for Christmas. It has helped take the sting out a bit.

However, my TRUE handbag love lies across the sea in Great Britian. It's calling out to me...."I'm here...waiting for YOU"......sighs....alas.....it is not to be (yet). It lives in the house of Lulu Guinness.....a wonderfully artistic designer that found her way into the world of handbags, some 17 years ago now. Her first endeavor was a briefcase lined with beautiful silks and clear plastic pockets for ease of finding things when in a hurry. Liberty's and Joseph's agreed to take a few to sale and when they quickly sold out with the matrons of London crying for more, Lulu Guinness designs was quickly born.

By 1990, she started designing handbags out of her home, full-time. It didn't take long for her to open her first store in London, with a few other designers. As her designs grew so did the need for her own store which opened in Notting Hill in 1996. A frequent shopper helped put her on the map of "must have's" - that being a gal known as MaDonna. She opened her first U.S. store in 2000 and from there added scarves, umbrellas, perfume and shoes to her inventory.

Here is the breakdown of the Lulu's I presently covet, according to style, along with price:

* Day Bag

Floral Rosalind - a lovely salt and pepper fabric with beautiful pink flowers climbing along the side. It's so ME. L97.50 = $173 U.S.

* Evening Bag

Gold Lips Clutch - gold, shimmery leather in the shape of, you guessed it, lips.....it speaks "come over here and find out" and is NOT a purse your mother would approve of. L195 = $1,760 U.S.

* Medium Tote

Lips - much like Andy Warhol's "Lips" - very cute and I can easily see all of my music, journals and trappings that I must carry along, nestled nicely inside. L95 = $168 U.S.

* Cosmetic (any Sassy girl has to have this!)

Antique Rose Beauty - a darling round shape with a beautiful clasp; cream background with lovely pink antique roses - reminds me of a toile. L47.50 = $88 U.S.

* Coin Purse

Black Compact - small, round with a caricature of Lulu herself in the center. VERY cute. My lose change would die for this kind of home! L50 = $88 U.S.

There ya go....my dream list of Lulu. While I remain on this beer budget, I must resign myself for searching for similiar designs at my favorite outlet, Target and Wal-Mart. Honestly, they don't do a bad job but the minute I make some actual money on music, Lulu here I come!

My next commentary will be on my secret lust for a pair of Manolo Blahnik's. How DID Carrie afford all those pairs???

If you're interested in learning more about Lulu, visit her website at www.luluguinness.com. You won't be sorry, after all there's a little trailor trash in us all.