More Words From The Crapper


I have been blessed to grace this earth for 40 years. Of that 40 years, I have been kidded, mocked, shunned and even scolded at different times, by many, for doing two things in abundance and consistently: the use of ketchup and toliet paper. (not at the same time mind you but back in the hard days of ramen noodles when out of paper towels or napkins, toliet paper was a multi-purpose product.)

Anyway, should my home come up short on one of those two items, this ole gal can get mean. There are not many things that I do not eat ketchup on, much to my in-laws chagrin (I AM from MS after all) and the need of TP is redundant. Since my spouse does most of the grocery shopping, thankfully and blessedly he keeps us stock and if we start running low, he quickly makes a trip by our neighborhood Kroger, quick stop or any other kind of market just to make sure the vibe of our home remains a happy one. Smart man.

Given this background information, I have to share two things. A story from my past and a story from today's Yahoo News. I'll start with the story from my past because this blog is all about ME anyway.

I grew up in the country on 25 acres of prime Mississippi soil. My Daddy was a huge gardner and was known for his "green thumb". The garden backed up to our backyard and my Mom, being the good southern woman she is, had planted lots of flowers and had made a place for us girls to sunbath. I spent a lot of hours back there, sunning and listening to tunes on my radio which was stuck in the window of my bedroom, turned to full volume so everyone, including the scarecrow could rock with me. It was hard to hear over the hum of the tractor anyway.

Well buried in the backyard was our septic tank; not uncommon to homes in the country. One summer, I noticed the ground splitting in certain areas and mentioned this to my Dad. He checked it out and decided we needed to call our local Roter-Rooter specialist. For those of you who are not familiar, this is the guy that comes out to your house, digs down to your septic tank, attaches a hose and hauls all of your shit out of the backyard. We kids used to call him the Poop-a-nator only to have our hands slapped by Moma.

Anyway, he shows up and confirms, yes we have a shit problem. He does his business and as he is handing my parents the bill, he inquires as to what kind of toliet paper we use. Moma immediately spoke up and said Charmain, of course. (After all, it is THE king of tp). He then informs us that we might want to think about changing brands. Apparently, because Charmain has a thicker ply, it tends to stop up septic tanks and is harder to breakdown. He mentions that our tank was unusually full. Suddenly all eyes were on ME. I was like, "what?"

After he leaves, my parents inform me that my need for the cleanest fanny in the county, while admirable is now on restrictive tp use. I would only be alloted one roll for a TWO week period. Trust me, for a kid with a tp fetish, this is harsh and unusual treatment. My sister, Jill, walked around with a smirk on her face for days and called me "ass wipe" while my parents were out of ear shot. I cried. I pleaded. I begged. All to NO avail. I took more showers in that two week period than a cast off of survivor. When the first water bill came in and it had doubled, Moma handed me a nice 12 pack of Charmain and told me to have at it. My Dad would still curse and stomp around when the Roter-Rooter guy visited once a year but it was a lot cheaper than using half the water in the county.

Sadly, this story is told at all gatherings and I am still shunned, mocked and scolded....no longer by my parents, but by my own spouse!! Hince my need to share the following:

According to officials, some guy named Franklin Crow, 56, from Moss Bluff, FL, murdered his roommate, Kenneth Mathews, 58 over the weekend. The reason? Apparently, Kenneth had either used all or failed to purchase toliet paper. Franklin, either because there was no tp for his own personal use or because he was sick of Kenneth's over-use, decides he needs to teach Kenny boy a leason. He does this by blundgeoning him to death with a sledgehammer and claw hammer but not before pulling a shot gun. The article states that the argument started at the beginning of the weekend and culminated in Kenneth's death on Sunday evening.

I had only one thought after reading this: which character in this scenario would I be? Hmmm......note to self......pick up toliet paper on the way home from work. Just in case.