Queer Eye For The Tragically Fashioned Challenge


While shopping at one of my favorite sassy girl stores over my lunch hour today, I decided to do something I try not to do very often - eat fast food burgers. Being a Mississippi girl, my Daddy made a point to bring us up with the notion that you're not living high off the hog, if you're not eating a good side of beef from time-to-time. The bills are due and we just added another debt with the big tractor out back, but by gosh, we're going to eat steak for dinner! (Note: this is probably where my taste for the finer things in life got it's start. I'm still pissed no one bothered to give me the manual on how to pull off champagne tastes on a Big K budget. Rat Bastards!)

Anyway, back to the story.......I had just left TJ Maxx and was contemplating visiting Bed Bath and frickin Beyond but realized I needed to end the spree, get back to work and feed my face. Being in Cool Springs over lunch is tricky at best when maneuvering to get where you are going. In the distance, I saw those glorious golden arches rising into the snow cloudy day. Ah.....a quarter pounder with cheese, hold the pickle.....NOT part of my daily point plan for Weight Watchers......but since I didn't eat breakfast and I can eat lettuce for dinner.....move out of my way! I glide inbetween two SUV's trying to out run one another and zip right into the McDonald's parking lot. It's 12:15 and the line is wrapped around the front of Playland. I'm jazzing to some music and suddenly it happened! Yes.....it was......a fashion tragedy. Horrible, gut-wrenching, painful to the eye. I quickly grab my imitation Ray Bans to cover the glare. It wasn't working!!! Where are the 5 Fab when you need them?????

Think Iraq Meets Vegas. My Momma taught me to never stare, point or wear white after Labor Day. I've managed to master two of the three but I have always had problems with the first. I stared a hole through Ms. Faux Pas butt because I was still having trouble believing she left the house - better yet - had even took the time to THINK about this outfit.

Since I want to remain as politically correct as I can be, I will not name any certain race or physical feature - it's unimportant. What was important was the tragic display of fashion sense. Enough already!! you say, just tell us....what was she wearing?? Camouflage from head to ankle.....there's where Vegas took over with the 5 inch stiletto heels. We also can NOT forget the "bling" gold hoop earrings that would have easily been used as wings to propel her upward if a strong wind blew. Top that off with red lipstick the color of ketchup and a very large rhinestone shoulder bag. (I'll give her 2 points for the lipstick.) I love all that sparkles but you could have hidden two of the seven dwarfs or one kid from Alabama in that gold rhinestone bag. Tre' ugly!

Being an ample sized gal, I pain myself in knowing what looks good on me and what does not. You can ask anyone that has lived with me for 5 minutes that if I do not think it works on my body, I ain't wearing it. Period. End of discussion. Being ample, you learn these tricks. How to hide flaws, make yourself appear smaller and taller. You can take 15 pounds off with just the right outfit. I have ZERO patience for thin women who can go into any store and purchase ANY piece of clothing and it fit and it look like a bad day at Kathy Lee Gifford's sweat shop.

Thin women be warned!! Just because you can get your skinny ass in it, does NOT mean it should be worn! The utterly distasteful display of "I'm thin and you're not" has set me ablazed. If I were a size 2, please! Vogue would ship directly to me for a fitting. Just because the girl is ample, does not mean she doesn't window shop at Vicky's Sex Spot......that would be Victoria's Secret for those of you who do not know.

I was still dry heaving by the time I got to the window and managed a feeble, "quarter pounder with cheese, hold everything please".