Maslow, Dr. Phil and Miss Cleo


We live in a world full of gadgets, gimmicks, fads and trends. In the mid-80's it became popular to explore oneself and find some new spiritual enlightenment that had previously been lacking. By the 90's everyone had some form of self-approvement in progress. If you weren't dieting, exercising, chemical peeling, colonicing, going organic, tuning in or tuning out, or on step-9 of a 12-step program, you were viewed as a freak who would eventually be institutionalized because someone made fun of your gold-plated "TCB" necklace you got on a whim at Graceland the summer of 1985.

Just yesterday, someone revealed to me that they would be attending an ISA seminar in Chicago over the weekend. For those less knowledgeable, that would be a "find your happy place" seminar where everyone "shares" and sings happy songs. I must admit I've done my share of "self-improvement" over the years, all contrary to the evidence. I have my own professional counselors on speed dial, a nice library of "why I'm so fucked up" books and have a fabulous vocabulary with words like "co-dependent", "overt guilt", "rationalization", "setting boundaries", that I can sprinkle throughout the course of a conversation with ease. At one point in time, I HAVE blamed my parents for my faults and failures and I have located my "inner child" What a brat!!

In the past few years, it has increasingly occurred to me that sometimes we're all just full of shit. Maybe we're so fucked up not because our parents were rotten but because we've made stupid mistakes and our inner child needs a good swift kick in the pants. I'll be the first to admit I'm a selfish person who likes things my way and I don't need Dr. Phil to spell that out for me or Miss Cleo to predict my next fuck-up. Admitting you have the problem is half the battle. "Hi, my name is Tracey and I'm a spoiled Diva".

Perhaps the most famous of all masters in the self-actualization movement is Dr. Abraham Maslow. He founded Maslow's Hierarchy of Human Needs. Here is what he had to say:

"A musician must make music, an artist must paint, a poet must write, if he is to be at peace with himself. What a man can be, he must be.This is the need we may call self-actualization ... It refers to man's desire for fulfillment, namely to the tendency for him to become actually in what he is potentially: to become everything that one is capable of becoming ..."

Honestly? That's good stuff in theory and I'm sure if someone applied these ideals to their life, they would probably enjoy a modicum of success. Charateristics of self-actualizing people are as follows, along with how I have adapted these to my life:

1. Realistic

The art of understanding the difference between a fart and a shart. Skid marks do not lie. Now that's real stuff.

2. Acceptance

This one's easy...I accept the fact that all women need a touch of lipstick.

3. Spontaneity, Simplicity and Naturalness

Simply and naturally, I love a spontaneous purchase of a new handbag. Just helps me find my "happy place" all over again.

4. Problem Centering

I'm easily centered when problems occur.......I can prove this by one slight flip of my middle finger. It works wonders in most situations.

5. Detachment/The Need for Privacy

This can be demonstrated when using public restrooms....also known as the "flush and drop" technique.

6. Autonomy: Independent of Culture & Environment

This one you have to be careful of. (Note, it's dangerous in today's time if you see someone wearing a turban to shout, "fire in the hole!")

7. Continual Freshness of Appreciation

This is perhaps one of my favorites, better known as "what have you done for me lately" syndrome. Ass-kissers get MAJOR points and should be rewarded accordingly.

8. Peak Experiences

Most of my peak experiences have involved alcohol and double AA batteries.

9. Interpersonal Relations

See number 8. References are provided upon request.

10. Democratic values and attitudes

Personally, I see myself as moderate in this area. I'm moderately certain that my mother would be shocked and appalled at my values and attitudes.

11. Discriminatory means and ends (good and evil)

I know evil therefore I am good at evil.

12. Philosophical, Unhostile sense of humor

Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke!

13. Creativity

Perhaps where my brilliance shines the brightest. If you need to pull off a lie, heist, scheme or drama, I'm your gal.

14. Resistance to enculturation

I always tip the Mariuchi Band at the Mexican restaurant and smile ever so sweetly at Habeeb at my neighborhood Motel 6. (Note, the one at Long Hollow Pike is unusually clean.)

And there you have it! Dr. Maslow's work has helped many become the complete person they were created to be. So why is it that we are still pushed to sit on national TV so that a slightly overweight, balding man with a bad mustache yells how fucked up we are and spend $100 a minute for some Jamaican con-artist to predict your next suicide attempt?

Self-realize this people: see number 4 above.