DIVA'S REVELATION OF THE WEEK

With the recent speech by President Bush regarding border policies between the U. S. and Mexico, the media has been full of coverage, commentaries and debates over the increasing issues surrounding these problems. In true Diva fashion, I felt it was only my duty as a legally born and bred American citizen to share my thoughts on the subject.

Above is a picture of Pedro the accordian player, the blue bird of happiness and his trusty unicyle to help wheel his way to freedom. America IS the melting pot after all and this pot is full of cheese:

Guidelines for entry:

NOTE: These rules will be strictly enforced by all National Guard and Immigration Officers. Any illegal immigrant failing to comply with these rules will be restricted to White Castle hamburgers and Tab cola until you are deported back to Mexico. All bling, Tommy Hilfiger, tires and rims will be confiscated before leaving U.S. soil. Each immigrant deported will receive as a parting gift the complete boxed set of Barney.

Requirements include:

1. Sing the theme to "The Love Boat". This shouldn't be difficult since they all like water sports and motorized vehicles.

2. View the "Citizen's Arrest" episode of the "Andy Griffith Show". Self explanatory.

3. Attend one Dave Ramsey financial seminar. I feel someone should give Dave a heads-up on the section about the emergency fund as it relates to WHERE you save it....like for instance in a bank in the U.S. and not the pocket of an old Mexican in Tijuana.

4. Perform 200 hours of community service at Chuck E Cheese. This experience should make or break - if they really want to be a citizen, they will stand the test. If not, they will gladly leave for the border after a few hours of brats at a birthday shindig with bad pizza and lousy games.

5. Complete accelerated language classes on the following topics:

* How to talk redneck - Acceptance in our southern regions will come faster if you throw in a "ya'll" or a "how's yur momma and 'em".

* How to talk yankee - Acceptance in our northern and eastern regions will come faster if you throw in a "you's guys" or "get da fuck outta herah".

* How to talk hippie - Acceptance in our western region will certainly come faster if you learn how to eat sprouts and say, "like there totally cool, dude".

* How to talk ghetto - Acceptance in our urban areas will be needed if you intend on starting your own gang.....whatever you do don't call a brother "hay-zeus (jesus) or es-say" without being prepared to scrap.

6. Audition for the next season of one of the following: Survivor, Fear Factor, The Amazing Race, Nashville Star, American Idol. Anyone disqualified WILL have a slot on Big Brother.

7. Host a "Sugar and Spice" party. It's really all you need to bring the passion back to citizenship.

8. Tour the Hormel Meat Packing Plant. Some would argue this would be too much like a five course meal to them but a friendly reminder of what happens to bad animals never hurts anyone.

9. Receive instruction on the proper use of chickens. We actually eat chickens here in the U.S.

10. Pre-qualify for a Ford Metro. This would particularly be a strong message since you can only get one average white guy in one of these on a good day.

Once this qualifications are met, entry will be granted and citizenship processing will begin. Soon enough you too will enjoy the wonder of all that is American:

* income taxes

* less pay

* high gas prices

* even higher gas prices

* Hillary Clinton

*indigestion, gas, diarrhea, constipation, heartburn, migraines and hemorrhoids caused by stress of working for corporate America, paying taxes and benefits for illegal aliens and welfare babies.

Welcome to America!!